Friday, May 8, 2009

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 15

 

“Unconditional Love completes us by replacing all our desires with the knowledge of who we are.”

 

This is not called ‘the information age’ for nothing. Knowledge of our true selves, is more valuable than gold. Unfortunately Google has not yet devised a means of giving us this information.

 

I cannot desire anything more than knowing who I am, what brought me here and getting it done.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 14

 

Belief in unconditional love is just one of the humongous, mind boggling changes I have to make to complete my task.

 

The bigger change is believing that unconditional love is all I need. As in if I have unconditional love, everything else that I could ever need or want automatically follows.

 

But so what if I am valued more than life itself by another who expects nothing at all from me? I would sneer at anyone who said they loved me because I knew, from my experience of the real world, that love, even if it did exist, meant nothing. It could not feed, clothe or house me! How can one survive on love? So you love me huh? Then what? Get real!

 

My parents (as human beings) had no idea of the experience of unconditional love, let alone how to give or show it. What they taught me is to stop believing in love and instead believe in hard work and solitude which are the corner stones of my life. Giving credit where it’s due, I must admit that the belief in hard work and solitude hammered into my head has served me well.

 

How many of us really believe in unconditional love; I wonder? I don’t know what messages of love I have communicated to those around me based on my warped understanding of love. I’d like to change my entire belief system so that I only believe in unconditional love and nothing else because to me, unconditional love is the only real thing in life everything else is an illusion.

 

Meeting my husband gave me hope that unconditional love might exist after all. My relationship with him is like those relationships where you believe that you have known a person for all your life but can’t quite understand how you could when you only just met them.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 13

 

My loved ones are those people in my life who I cannot do without because I feel a strong attraction to them and don’t expect anything from them other than for them to stay close to me. I, on the other hand, have to work hard to keep my loved ones in my life since they are only in my life because they love my independence!

 

At one time in my life, I was nicknamed ‘mother hen’! This was because I would always take charge of every situation and ensure that whatever the situation was, it was taken care of perfectly.

 

Do you see what a confused element of unconditional love I have become? I think that others love my independence and not me, but I make my loved ones dependent on me and still love them! Others cannot love me; they love my independence whereas I just love them. Why the difference between what I expect of myself and others when it comes to love?

 

This warped reasoning comes from my fear (another vice) of allowing myself to be loved unconditionally. A fear that arose from the gradual erosion, to almost oblivion, of my belief in unconditional love.

 

Unconditional love in this world is a STUPID thing to believe in. NOTHING in life is for free, honey! You better believe that!

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 12

 

I still have not found that belief in unconditional love and ability to trust which I lost. I don’t even know whether I lost them simultaneously or I lost one before the other. It doesn’t matter anyway since they are lost. The job now is to find them wherever they may be.

 

Finding my lost belief in unconditional love and ability to trust requires that I lay myself bare, empty myself of the vices I have accumulated and allow myself to be filled with unconditional love. Simply what it means is unlearning how to live with pain and hurt (by covering up the pain and hurt using vices) and letting the experience of pain and hurt be replaced by the experience of unconditional love.

 

Most people have at one time in their lives met someone and decided to let themselves be loved by that person, who then betrays their love and trust. Letting go of the vices created to deal with the memories of this kind of pain is probably the hardest part. What makes it easier is that experiencing unconditional love is about experiencing yourself.

 

The only incentive there is for this undertaking is the promise of eternal bliss in an ocean of unconditional love.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 11

 

No doubt the beatings broke my spirit and took away something so valuable: my belief in unconditional love.

 

They also took away my ability to trust so I created another vice called independence. When you’re indifferent, you don’t care about anything or anyone. You just don’t care. You fully appreciate that you are on your own and so you start to move away from anything that appears to draw you into togetherness. In fact, you get repulsed by the idea that you are part of anything. You create a space within you which I call a ‘pain incinerator’, in which you throw anything hurtful and neutralize it without considering it.

 

The pain incinerator took away the pain of being unloved and also the pain of yearning for love. Perfect vice for my circumstances.

 

I became suspicious of anyone who claimed to love me. I was convinced that it was my independence that they loved; not me. My independence was itself quite loveable. It made me a very strong-willed person who ironically, could love and give whole-heartedly without expectation.

 

The beauty about my independence is that it also helped me to see myself as my own person. It helped me believe that I could create my own world and I did; but of course with the help of my vices.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 10

 

Indifference protects you from the demons you would encounter should you insist on believing in unconditional love in the face of all the horrid realities of life.

 

Indifference moulds you into a tough little girl or boy who can discuss the horrid realities as if they were a trip to the zoo.

 

Indifference makes you believe that you can survive the horrid realities since anyway, you will grow up one day and be the master/mistress of your own life. It’s only temporary.

 

Indifference convinces you that one day a knight in shining armour will rescue you from the hellish life you are living. So you swallow the pain and wait for the prince on whose shoulder you can cry it all out one fine day.

 

Someone once told me that I had built an invisible barrier around me because he felt unable to communicate with me. I just looked at him and thought, who cares?!

 

The indifference to the pain becomes so etched in your mind that you begin to interpret the beatings as acts of love. Some of us grew up to thank our parents for beating the hell out of us coz we actually believed that it was the beatings that helped us stay focused on what matters in life and hence turn our lives into success stories. How sad!

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 9

 

If I remember correctly, the first vice I created was indifference. It was a perfect means by which to shut out pain of all kinds: emotional, physical, psychological. I mean, who cares! Even now, I am amazed at what a perfect tool indifference is when you just - don’t - want – to – feel – anything!

 

WHO CARES???!!!! Those words are soooooooooo powerful! They eradicate any sense of responsibility or self-worth that you could possibly have and leave you feeling relieved and ready for anything that may come your way.

 

Sometimes, I wouldn’t even cry while being beaten or I would pretend to cry for the satisfaction of the beater. I didn’t care about why I was being beaten or that it was painful. I just took it. You know, some times, when it seemed like I was just going to get a scolding, I would deliberately provoke a beating by sneering. Go ahead, beat me. WHO CARES???!!!! It felt so powerful!

 

And when an act of love was expressed, I would not appreciate it. I just took it. I mean ………… WHO GIVES A *****!

 

I remember a saying I learned in school. ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’. It was meant to be comforting.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 8

 

After each beating, I recall that I would sleep very deeply and wake up feeling refreshed. I am certain that it was during the periods of deep sleep that I began to conjure up vices to protect myself from the excruciating pain of being unloved.

 

The pain was made even more unbearable by the fact that the beatings were being administered by those who were providing me with my basic needs and who, at times, exhibited signs of love! Vices helped me accept what is abnormal as normal.

 

We create our own vices to suit our circumstances. Vices help us stay alive and maintain sanity in this seemingly God forsaken nonsense of a world.

 

The problem with vices is that they delude us. They cover up the reality of who we are and separate us from the truth.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 7

 

By the way, a beating here means, being whooped with a belt or stick for what appears like hours on end until the person beating you is too exhausted to continue. Your pleas for a cease fire even end before the beating and all you do is cringe or scream as each thrashing comes down on you.

 

I remember that I tried to fight back some times. The truth is that I never did accept the beatings as normal. I just felt like there was nothing I could do to stop them so I learned to live with them. I still feel the same about a lot of things.

 

This learning to live with abnormality is what is troubling my soul. Why does life have to be this way? Do I not have any power or strength to change all the things that take away my peace? Do I not deserve a peaceful life? Doesn’t everyone in the world deserve a peaceful life?

 

Peace is the ability to accept your life as it is without losing control of your thoughts and feelings. How many of us in this world have found peace? Well, am not willing to settle for any less. Until I die, I will strive to make my life a haven of peace.

 

The immediate catch is that my life is not just about me. It is about everyone in the world!

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 6

 

At one time in my life, I think I used to believe in unconditional love. When I think of unconditional love, it feels like something I am familiar with but can’t quite bring it up in my memory. I get the feeling that it is so near yet so far.

 

Probably as far back as when I was a month-old baby, being loved to me meant that there were no conditions. But soon thereafter, I lost my belief in unconditional love. The loss started with the reality of being hurt by those from whom I expected unconditional love.

 

During the era of my childhood, being beaten was a popular form of discipline. Most children understood that getting a beating was part and parcel of your existence. For a long time, I did not want to remember what it was like being beaten or watching others being beaten in front of my eyes for petty reasons.

 

The worst experience for me was listening behind a closed door to one of my brothers getting a beating and screaming all manner of apologies for it to stop. I would sit there wishing I could burst into the room and help defend my brother or join in his pain and at least take some of the beating or beg for it to stop or help fight off the beater. I would probably cry more then than at any time when I was the one getting the beating. Of course I was too afraid to interrupt and only did so in my silent prayer that something would happen to make it stop.

 

Somehow, I have never allowed myself to explore that phase in my life and understand and appreciate how it affected me or my siblings. And it seems that I was not really shutting out the memories but taking it for granted that life could not have been any different. It was normal to get a beating and you just learned to live with it.

 

Anyway, what does it matter now?

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 5

 

I don’t know what it feels like to experience unconditional love. To have another who values me more than life itself and who expects nothing at all from me. Do you?

 

In my understanding, one who values me more than life itself and who expects nothing at all from me has to be, well, me. Or at least, whoever that may be is probably not a human being.

 

Can a human being manifest unconditional love? This is really all what life is about. It is the question that all of us alive today are here to answer.

 

I have always understood that no-one wants to be depended on. The words ‘there is nothing here for you’ were an almost daily reminder for me (and my siblings) from my father. It meant that I better be able to acquire my own wealth and not imagine, for even a second, that I can claim any of his wealth as my own. His intention was to teach us independence from others knowing, from his struggles to survive, what a cruel world this is and how little love there is to be found.

 

My desire to be the perfect daughter in my father’s eyes led me to believe that independence from EVERYONE around me was paramount. I thought, in error, that my father would love me only if I did not depend on him.

 

My father shunned weakness and always pushed himself beyond normal limits when it came to succeeding in life. He was at the same time, a compassionate person and reached out to help a great many people. I am a lot like my father but some may say that I am more like my mother.

 

I cannot allow myself to be weak. I am not aggressive and I don’t try to control others but I have to be in control of myself. I can however, tolerate weakness from others because I believe that life really is tough. Jokes aside man! It’s tough. For all of us. But why?

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 4

 

What is it exactly that separates me (the drop of water) from God (the Ocean)?

 

The answer is simple. I believe that it is my lack of understanding of WHO I AM. For some reason, I am convinced and persuaded that I am separated from God when in fact, I am not. I have faith in this belief. I am yet to understand it as the truth.

 

If I can only understand the true nature of my being, I will find God and become one with Him. Understanding the true nature of my being comes from experiencing unconditional love. The experience of unconditional love will reveal to me who I am.

 

I want to know how to be the element of unconditional love that I believe I am.

 

An element to me is a component. I see myself as a component of God. I am created in God’s image. A component is defined in Wikipedia as “any smaller, self-contained part of a larger entity”.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 3

 

I don’t go to church any more. I stopped.

 

My theories about life make me too radical for any church. My curiosity demands that I question everything in search for the true answers.

 

Faith is not enough for me.

 

Why should I have faith when I can have knowledge? What is it exactly that stops me from knowing the TRUTH? I do have faith in a lot of things but I do not think that one should stop there.

 

Faith is a tool for finding knowledge. It gives you the confidence and strength to keep searching because it gives you the conviction that there definitely is a truth out there. There is nothing that stops you from finding the truth about that which you have faith in.

 

I am not the human body that I live in. I believe that I am an element of unconditional love. I have faith in that belief. I am yet to understand it as the truth. God is Love in the form of unconditional love.

 

I think that the relationship between God and me is the same as the relationship between a drop of water and the ocean. Outside of the ocean, I am me. In the ocean, I am God. I am searching for the Ocean and when I find It, I want to jump in, become one with It and never again allow myself to be separated from It.

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 2

 

I know exactly where to start with my task.

 

I know because recently, a physical wall collapsed at my house and it revealed to me that I do not know how to experience unconditional love. I have to start with learning how to experience unconditional love.

 

“Unconditional love is the experience of being valued more than life by another who expects nothing at all from you.”

 

Unconditional love is not emotive. It is a state of mind. As such, the experience of unconditional love comes from understanding. Am not looking for emotional love which is experienced in the body as a feeling, I am looking for unconditional love which is experienced in the mind as understanding.

 

I will start from the premise that life is a journey of self-discovery and approach everything in my life as intended to teach me WHO I AM.

 

Oh, how I yearn for the knowledge of WHO I AM. Come to think of it, I would give ANYTHING to know WHO I AM. Wouldn’t you?

 

 

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

 

Chapter 1

 

Goal posts in life are always shifting.

 

When I started my search for my missing something, I was looking for reasons why my life is the way it is and in due course, I came to the realization that my life is the way it is because of the choices I have made. In due course, I also came to the realization that I had not found my missing something. I had merely found something that I thought was missing from my life.

 

Recently I made the decision that I will do whatever it takes to find out the TRUTH. The truth to me is what is real. I want to know where I came from, why I was born, what purpose I came to fulfill, where I am going after here, when, why and how I will die. I refuse to accept that the answers to these questions cannot be found.

 

I believe that I have the ability to know and understand who I am.

 

I know that this is no easy task. However, my desire to undertake and complete this task is the strongest force in my life right now. I cannot hide from it.

 

I am not afraid. I believe that I am stronger than anything that may try to stop me from completing this task. I also believe that I am the only one who can prevent me from completing my task.

 

My task involves discovering the REAL ME. The real me is inside me. All I need to do is scrape off all the layers of vices that I have accumulated in my life time and replace them with love so that the love can shine through and reveal my real self to me and others.

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