Mind Boggling - the Sequel

2009-05-08T13:38:00.001+03:00

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 46

Happiness is something that happens to most of us. We don’t know what to do or how to find it. We just find ourselves feeling high one moment and low in another moment and we accept that as normal.

It is not normal. We can be happy all the time if we want to be. Learning how to experience unconditional love for me is the way to be happy always.

Happiness finds you in the moments when you just let go and let God.

The time to be happy is now, and the place to be happy is here, and the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here. Hallelujah!! Sing it with me!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 45

I know that many people will not understand what all this am writing about is. I wasn’t too sure either until the other day during a heated debate at a friend’s house, I heard my husband define what success in life is.

That friend who is really the most jovial person you will ever come across and whose family is a lot like him and whose house is the best to be at when you want to debate about nothing and end up laughing until you want to die, asked the question to each of us at the gathering: “What is success?”

The point of the question was to determine what direction, as parents, we should be taking in making decisions for our children. Obviously, (and we all agreed that this was obvious) whatever your perception of success in life is will guide the decisions you make for your children.

I am who I am today mostly because of the decisions my parents made for me when I was a minor. If they chose not to send me to school and instead marry me off to a 47 year old man when I was 8 years old (like I read recently had happened to a girl in Saudi Arabia), it would be hard to imagine that my life would have taken the same direction as it has now.

The answer my husband gave to the question confused our friend who repeated the answer and said thoughtfully as if he had been pleasantly surprised by the definition: “Well……, that’s a very good definition.”

My husband’s answer was that success in life is finding happiness. How true huh?! From there, everyone became thoughtful wondering what exactly a parent is supposed to do for his/her child to help them find happiness when most, no actually all, of us seated at that house did not know how to find happiness for ourselves, let alone teach our children how to find it!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 44

I have noticed that recently, I have discovered that some people who I have been taking care of and going out of my way to help are hypocrites. It came as a surprise but also a relief and they are now no longer in my life directly. They are out there somewhere. The changes I have been able to make in their absence have made my life a little less burdensome.

It was what can be said to have been good riddance of bad rubbish. However, I believe (and am yet to understand this as the truth) that my keeping them in my life by taking care of them and helping them was blocking them from a better life for themselves. I believe that it was in their interests that I put myself first and let them go, instead of putting them first and trying to reconcile with them. .

I have also noticed that an opportunity has presented itself for me to confront other people in my life who shamelessly refuse to take responsibility and pretend to be incapable. The interesting thing about this challenge is that I don’t have to deal with it. I could just let those people continue the way they are and there is a possibility that even if the confrontation occurs, they will not change because they know that if they neglect their duties, others will feel obliged to do what needs to be done. But I have this compelling feeling that the confrontation must be allowed to happen so that the unspoken truth is brought out into the open.

Basically what I have noticed is that the truth about the people in my life is beginning to establish itself. I wonder what else is in store for me. Scary thought that!

But I have no fear because I have faith that the end result of this process, will be the experience of unconditional love that I am yearning for. Everything else, is an illusion.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 43

What’s wrong with me? Everyone around me is quite content to get on with life without questioning it’s purpose. Why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I just get on with my life as it is? Why do I feel the need to save the world? Why can’t I realize that the world cannot be saved or if it can, it surely won’t be me saving it?

I asked myself these questions the other day and decided to try to get on with life as usual and not try to change anything. The hectic schedule of the last few days helped keep me on track and away from my quest although I did find myself frequently trying to analyze situations in a spiritual way. I also found myself waking up early to meditate even though nothing much seems to happen during the sessions.

Somehow, after each meditation session, I have been feeling that the nothing that is happening during meditation is actually something. I just sit there by myself, not sure if I am alone, trying to convince my mind to stop thinking and focus on my breath and when that fails I ask for help and when that fails I try to sense my heart beat and when that fails I try something else until I decide it’s no use and it’s about time I started getting ready for the day.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 42

What I learned today is that in order to experience my self as unconditional love, I need to find a way to merge my breath with my heart beat; to merge the consciousness of my mind with the consciousness of my body.

I hardly ever notice my heart beat or my breath. These are spontaneous actions in my body. The two are what sustain me. Without either of them, I am dead. They are equal in different ways. Just like Adam and Eve. The connection between them is the unconditional love I am looking to experience.

I am always aware of my mind but I hardly ever notice my body unless a part of me is ailing, hurting or itching. Even then, it is my mind that decides what my body needs. I need to find the missing link between my mind and my body so that I can connect the two into one consciousness.

Both these processes have to happen simultaneously. The connection of my breath and heart beat is the same as the connection of my mind and my body.

After I have learned how to make this connection, I must learn how to sustain it at all times.

God help me.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 41

Today is 20^th April 2009. And what a day it was for me.

During my meditation this morning, I had a break-through. Hooray!! At last, something noticeable happened.

I sat alone in a quiet room early in the morning. As usual, the session involved a lot of fidgeting and feeling lost and like what a waste of time this is.

I watched a video on meditation last night and the video instructed that the key to reaching your self is through your breath. So you are supposed to focus on your breath as you meditate. I decided to do this but was not getting anywhere for a while. My mind was all over the place. Today is a Monday and my mind was busy planning the events of the day.

At some point I asked my self to please just show me where I am inside this body and just move to the left or right so I can feel my self (as in the element of unconditional love). Then I went back to closing my eyes and focusing on my breath. Siddha Yoga teaches that the heart is a sacred place and in meditation, you should go to your heart (whatever that means!). So I started focusing on my breath while listening for my heartbeat to see if I could actually feel or hear or sense my heart beating at all. I was doing all this while fighting with my mind and telling it to stop thinking.

Then, I just decided to focus on my mind as if it is my mind that I was looking for. The minute I did that, all thoughts disappeared and I felt a sensation of being rocked from left to right like my head was sitting on a pendulum and a sensation of joy flowed from my head into my body making me want to smile. I held on to that sensation for a while trying hard not to let go but it eventually faded.

I tried it again this evening but could not replicate the same thing. I couldn’t help thinking that meditation is an orgasm of the mind and finding it’s G-spot requires extra hard work.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 40

I believe that the world is a reflection of who I am and if I change, the world will change with me. I also believe that the power of love is a power of attraction powerful enough to change the world by attracting others into it. So unless I put myself first, the experience of unconditional love will not happen!

In theta healing, the theta healer can enter into the energy space around you and change the beliefs that are blocking you from experiencing your true self. I didn’t feel anything when this was done for me. I was told that the change in beliefs will take effect after I sleep (like restarting a computer after installing some new software!).

Theta healing also involves something quite interesting. Most of us live in our heads and control everything in our bodies from our heads. This includes me. Well apparently, we don’t have to work only from our heads. We can move around our bodies from head to toe! A theta healer can teach you how to do this.

I was intrigued when I discovered that the process of learning theta healing takes a period of………..guess? THREE DAYS!! Is this crucifixion or what?? I intend to take the next scheduled course.

The change in my belief of putting others first and disregarding myself came immediately after the session when I was advised of the cost and thought, goodness, who can afford this? By going for the consultation, I had put myself first in the interests of the others who I believe will change with me for free!

In the meantime, I have resumed meditation hoping that I can feel myself inside my head and then move to other parts of my body.

I am also keenly observing my life to see if my belief in putting others first and disregarding myself has been permanently removed and also to find what other blocks need to be removed. Clearly, the blocks are not obvious!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 39

My appointment with the theta healing was great. It came at exactly the right time for me.

Theta healing helps you clear up the vices which you have created to prevent you from experiencing unconditional love. Am I ready for that or what?

My consultation involved a frank discussion about what I believe in and reaching an agreement on whether those beliefs are what I want to live by or not. I discovered that I believe that I do not deserve to experience unconditional love unless everyone else can experience it too. This belief prevents me from experiencing unconditional love.

Putting others first is a vice, believe it or not. Putting yourself first is perceived as selfishness. But selfishness is not just about putting yourself first. It’s about putting yourself first and disregarding the interests of others. It is possible to put yourself first in the interests of others. On every airline, we are asked to put on the oxygen masks for ourselves first before trying to help others in case of emergency.

Jesus said: Love your neighbour as yourself. So who should you love first?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 38

Am not giving up.

Far from it.

The need to find the truth in me is too great.

In any case, as long as am alive, what better way to spend my time than searching for the truth? The search for the truth is the only thing that keeps me sane. Believe it or not!

If I thought that there was nothing more to life than these temporary highs and lows I keep getting, I would be in an asylum. The thought of this life being it and nothing else would kill me if I believed that. I admire those who believe that and are leading normal lives. I cannot understand what keeps them sane.

So this is what I’ve decided. I have decided to consult a spiritual healer. I have booked an appointment to see a spiritual healer who practices Theta Healing.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 37

Today is not the tomorrow I was referring to. In fact, it’s many tomorrows away and easter is long forgotten.

I was mad to imagine that I could achieve my goal so quickly without knowing what I needed to do. You know the crazy thing is that most people in the world are just like me. Dreaming about becoming something and not knowing how to become it!! Then wandering around questioning why this, why that, why, why why??!! Very few of us know how to get what we want in life. When we do, we become heroes.

The truth is that people like Barack bama are not the exception. They are the rule. Barack Obama, like Jesus, is an example of the power of attraction that a human being can generate when he is true to himself. Love after all is a force of attraction. When you are true to yourself, you attract everything to become like you. People love you. People cry when they hear you speak. You have people eating from the palm of your hand!

We all have this power and it should be normal for all of us to achieve greatness. Sadly, it’s not. And this is because, we doubt ourselves. Never doubt yourself. Do not settle for faith. Go for the truth.

But the question still remains: How do you find the truth? How do you awaken the real you from this dream world? Where in my mind is this tree of life?

Honestly, I have not the faintest idea.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 36

I think I have now reached the apex of my madness.

Here I am. I don’t know how to experience unconditional love, I have no idea how telepathy works AND I am imagining that I can change myself and the world into unconditional love overnight.

Tomorrow is Easter Monday!

What the hell, it’s worth a try. See you tomorrow.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 35

I am an element of unconditional love. I have the power to change the world. The world is a reflection of who I am. If I change, so will the world. As I change, so will the world.

I can be a person so powerful and so awesome that I attract the whole world into experiencing unconditional love.

The power I will use is love. I will make myself a channel of love. All my vices must go. Selfishness is the mother of all vices so I better focus on him.

I don’t need any public forum in which to carry out my conversion of the world. I will do it surreptitiously. The same way that the voice/light which appeared to me did it to me.

I will learn how to communicate by telepathy and plant a seed of realization in all the people of the world. Ridiculous, you say. Well, watch this space!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 34

Am I going to let something as tincy wincy as irritability stop me from experiencing unconditional love?

I get irritated when my computer doesn’t do what I want it to, when there’s a power blackout, when anyone says something I think is hypocritical, rude or condescending, when someone talks to me on the phone for too long, when I get interrupted while doing something am very interested in (like writing my blog), by small talk, by my children’s childish behaviour, when I don’t want to be at a place where I can’t leave, when someone keeps me waiting, by so many things, you’d think my life is a permanent experience of irritability. It’s not really, but now that irritability is about to be kicked out of my life for good, I seem to remember so many things that irritate me and cannot imagine how I can survive without it especially since am not alone in this world!

I don’t know how to deal with the rest of the world. Can you see the magnitude of this problem? How can I stay focused in the face of all these people around me who don’t know what I know and who am sure will scoff at me if I so much as try to convert them? I don’t want to be a pariah.

Is this what Jesus felt like when he was crucified? Surrounded by buffoons and unable to show them the truth? Gosh, crucifixion sure isn’t an easy thing guys! Am back to being Robinson Crusoe! But actually, I don’t even have a Man Friday this time. It’s me against the world!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 33

If life is an illusion, am I, and everyone else in my life also illusions then?

The bodies that we see ourselves and others in are illusions. We are elements of unconditional love. These bodies are magnificent tools with which we can experience ourselves and God. They are built to last for eternity if correctly used. Deny it if you must, but it’s true.

The reason for us to create life is self-improvement.

The experience of unconditional love is a process of separation followed by unity to achieve completeness. The energy force that is exerted by this process is incredible and worth all the pain and hurt we have to go through.

If you’ve ever fallen in love, you have a vague idea of what I mean. Falling in love is as though you had been separated from your loved one and now you have been united and completed. The energy the experience of falling in love gives you cannot be exaggerated. It is more than awesome.

The truth is that when you fall in love, you are experiencing something of yourself. The person you fall in love with reveals something about yourself to you and it just blows your mind to experience what that person brings out of you. It is about you connecting with yourself. When you fall in love, something within you that was longing to be awakened, is jolted up.

Whereas falling in love is a temporary experience, unconditional love is permanent. The experience of unconditional love is when you fully discover who you are.

If you haven’t fallen in love, listen to any love song and it will give you an idea of the power I’m talking about. But love songs cannot even begin to describe what unconditional love is. And that’s what we are.

That power of love is you. Imagine that! The real you is lying dormant inside you waiting to be awakened. Only the truth can set you free. And am not talking about not telling lies. I am talking about being true to yourself; living the life that you were born to live.

Wouldn’t you like to experience the real you? Today is easter Sunday. Guess when tomorrow is?! Come on then.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 32

I mean that I have to start living my life in the abstract.

I have to abandon the idea that this is real life and start observing things around me as if they are not for real. I have to start living the experience not the thoughts, words and actions.

Like watching a movie, my attention should be sharply focused on the experience knowing that it’s just a movie! That should be exciting but it’s not. Being deluded by life is sooooooo comforting. The idea that I could be responsible for everything that happens to me and I can control everything in my life is daunting to say the least.

That notwithstanding, I decided that I’d rather accept that am mad than pretend not to be. So the first thing I did to get me well on the road to madness is look at the people around me and ask myself: Who the hell are these people? Where did they come from? What are they doing here with me? The people I was referring to are my children, my husband, my mother-in-law (at whose house we are spending the easter break) and everyone else around me.

Who the hell are these people? Are they for real or are they in my mind?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 31

Today is Good Friday! What a coincidence. I decided to start the process of my crucifixion at a time when the crucifixion of Jesus is being celebrated world wide. This must be good.

But I wonder whether my crucifixion will take the same time as that of Jesus. Is it possible that I could have found the Ocean by Easter Monday? Wow! How exciting.

Well, let me tell you, last night, I was actually considering whether it would be easier to get myself whipped and abused and nailed to a cross with a crown of thorns on my head as opposed to letting go of my vices. I can’t imagine living without my irritability. How can there not be anything at all in life to irritate me? I am so used to being irritated.

The truth as I now know it is that there never has been anything in life to irritate me. It is me who has allowed myself to be irritated by certain things.

After pondering this point, I came to the realization that being crucified means allowing yourself to go mad (as if am not already mad, you ask!).

2009-05-08T13:21:00.000+03:00

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 30

After awareness of the truth comes crucifixion.

The next step for me now is to stop creating vices.

Stop the indifference, stop the independence, stop the desire, stop the anger, stop the frustration, just stop creating vices.

But if I don’t create vices, what else is there to do?

Stop creating vices. Be content with everything. Let nothing move you. It’s an illusion anyway. Do not accept any abnormality in your life. Stop living with what you don’t believe in. Change it.

Make it your life’s purpose to welcome the experience of unconditional love into your life by just being yourself, your real, true, unpolluted self always. Dig deep into your belief system and find what you truly believe in and live that. Never doubt yourself.

Spend as much time as you can alone in silence contemplating and documenting your experience with the truth because you know what? The truth will set you free! The truth of who you are is the tree of life. Seek it and you shall find it.

Today is Thursday, April 09, 2009. Here I go.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 29

There is only one way out of life. We all know it. Yes, it’s death.

Death of a human being is not what I am talking about. People die all the time but it’s all an illusion. Death of a human being is merely a transformation into another life. Nothing else.

Real death is when the element of unconditional love experiences itself.

The purpose of life is to make manifest unconditional love in the human body. Once this has been achieved, eternal life occurs.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 28

Once you also realize that the lives that others live in this world are also of their own making, when you reach out to help them, your approach will not be condescending. Instead of giving them your way out of the situation, you will give them an opportunity to get themselves out of the situation.

Love has never been anything but tough. Tough is when you take it upon yourself to get yourself and others out of a mad situation permanently.

We (individually and collectively) are the cause of everything that occurs in this world.

It is time that humanity took responsibility for its condition. It is time that each one of us took responsibility for our lives.

So much pain has been caused in the world on account of the refusal by humanity to respond sensibly to life’s challenges that we need to do something to change that collective and individual attitude urgently.

The change can only start with our belief system and nowhere else. The change will come one day. Don’t you wish it could come in your life time? Or what does it matter, we will all die anyway, won’t we?

No. If we do make the change, we can live much longer than we imagine. We can live for as long as we want to; for eternity.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 27

The point am making is this.

That we, each one of us and all of us together, decide what we want to believe and it is our beliefs that govern how we deal with our lives and manage the events and experiences we encounter.

If you believe that you are a victim of life and never wanted to be born in the first place and you hate everything around you, how can such a belief get you anywhere unless you just want to have the most miserable life ever?

If you accept that the truth is hidden from you and everything in your life is God’s mysterious will, you will be left with an empty hole inside you that no amount of prayer, meditation, going to church or whatever other spiritual practices you adopt will ever fill.

The sooner you realize that your life is your own and everything that happens to you is of your own making, you can handle anything that comes your way because you will approach each event not with the question of why it was done to you but with the question of why you did it to yourself.

It is only when you direct the responsibility for the situation that you find yourself in to yourself that you can then find the true answer for its occurrence and the way out of the situation; after all, it is your situation, only you can get yourself out of it!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 26

So the truth is that I had already lost my belief in unconditional love even before I was born. The only real thing that exists is unconditional love. Once you lose your belief in unconditional love, you enter into the world of illusion.

I lost my belief in unconditional love when I exercised my free will and created this life that I am living. I came here to experience myself and God and thus manifest the real me in the human body.

Everything that I have experienced in this life, no matter how horrid (the beatings were definitely not the worst of it), is good and is intended to achieve my life’s purpose. My light can only shine in darkness. Love can only be experienced in a selfish world.

Nothing has happened to me. Like God, in whose image I am created, I am the same always and forever. Never changing. The body I live in is an illusion; it is not me. All the pain and hurt and all the happiness and laughter in this world is unreal.

I know it appears so simplistic and irrational to dismiss all the pain and hurt experienced in the world by saying that it is not real. Well, the truth hurts. Capitalizing on all the pain and hurt in the world is what keeps us deluded and even worse, is what makes us exploit and get exploited. If it did not matter that anyone was suffering and everyone, no matter how dire their stakes are, was directed to get themselves out of their own mess, wouldn’t we have a better world?

Humanity is greater and more powerful than we imagine. The lower than low standards we have set for ourselves are what should be appalling.

But of course, believing in unconditional love and believing that nothing is real in this world is the height of foolishness. Right?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 25

The process of creation is infinite.

Once a human being begins to create vices, the process of creating vices continues infinitely until the grace of God interrupts this process by planting a seed of realization or awareness into the person.

Until you become aware that life is really an illusion, you will continue creating vices infinitely imagining that you cannot survive without them.

Once you realize that life is an illusion and you have fallen short of the glory of God by creating vices, you also realize that the only way to find the glory of God is to be crucified.

Crucifixion here does not mean literally being whipped and nailed to a cross with a crown of thorns on your head. It means a cleansing of the vices that you have created which prevent you from experiencing unconditional love.

The crucifixion of Jesus represents the process of letting go of your vices and allowing yourself to experience unconditional love. This is no easy process.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 24

The creation of vices is the means by which we lose ourselves. Vices are instruments of delusion. God created selfishness, the greatest vice of all for the purpose of starting the process of delusion. The process of delusion is a vital part of life. Without it, the purpose of life cannot be realized.

God is love and the devil is selfishness. It is only in a world driven by selfishness that love can be recognized.

The forbidden fruit which Adam and Eve ate and which caused them to fall from Grace was desire. Eve, when prompted by selfishness, created the vice of desire and showed Adam how to create it. Once desire had been unleashed, fear followed and there was no turning back. All that happened in the Garden of Eden was intentional and it was good.

It was God’s will that man should lose himself in the world of vices. Only then could man understand who he was and know God. Adam and Eve never literally left the Garden of Eden. We are still in the Garden of Eden and God is still here with us. But, once desire was created, we lost our belief in unconditional love and moved from light to darkness.

Eden became Hades.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 23

God is the experience of unconditional love whereas I am an experience of unconditional love.

An experience cannot experience itself within itself. We create life so that we can experience ourselves and God. The purpose of life, my life’s purpose, your life’s purpose, is to make manifest unconditional love in the human body individually and collectively.

Free will does not start at birth. It starts from before we are born. We have the freedom, granted to us by God, to create our own lives for the purpose of experiencing ourselves (individually) and God (collectively). In realizing ourselves collectively as experiences of unconditional love, we experience God.

In order to experience ourselves and God, we need to lose ourselves in a world of illusion and then find ourselves. It is in finding ourselves that the experience of what we are can be realized. If we do not lose ourselves, we can never experience ourselves.

It is only in darkness that light can be experienced. Light cannot be experienced within light. So light must create darkness in order to experience itself.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 22

I am unable to identify with the life that I am living and accept it as the life that I was born to live. This life that I am living could very well be the life that I was born to live. I just don’t know and I honestly don’t think it is.

Nothing I do in life feels real to me. Everything is so perishable. I am tired of this cover-up game of creating vices and juggling them around to suit every situation.

Through the awakening of my kundalini, I have realized that there exists a place where all the madness of life comes to an end; where no vices are needed for survival; a timeless, ageless place.

That place is not out there somewhere and I don’t have to die to experience it. It is within my mind’s reach. I just need to be able to make that change of perception that will get me there.

I can almost taste it already.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 21

Striving for goodness is the biggest challenge anyone faces in life.

It’s so easy when you find yourself in a den of thieves, to yourself become a thief than to insist on earning an honest living. In a corrupt society like the one I live in, not being corrupt makes you a pariah! But what’s even worse is when outsiders take a moral high ground and heap everyone, including you, the pariah, all together into one group labeled ‘the corrupt’.

It’s fully understandable that when this happens, the pariah will cry out for recognition and praise seeking to be set apart from the corrupt majority. It is the height of injustice to enforce a law which risks punishing an innocent man for a crime he has not committed in order to ensure that no guilty man goes free.

The question is; who in this world is not innocent? Didn’t we all come into this world as little helpless babes at the mercy of those who were here to meet us at birth? Is there a person in this world who does not experience any suffering?

In the world as it is today, suffering is to life as life is to death. Suffering being a way of life is wrong. It can’t be normal. No-one needs to suffer. Life is meant to be wonderful. Why can’t we make it that way? Are we not the ones who have made it this way?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 20

To me, nothing belongs to anyone. If you can do without it, then it’s not truly yours. It truly belongs to the one who cannot do without it.

There is no such thing as stealing if nothing belongs to anyone. To me, the sinful act is hoarding. You must not keep away from others that which you do not need.

So giving, to me, is when you graciously allow an undeserving other, to take something away from you which you perceive as belonging to you. This is true giving. It is a painful experience when your neighbour, to whom you gladly sold a piece of land, later on denies you access to the land to take away your property which you had left there on the understanding, which had been made quite clear, or should have been very obvious, that you sold only the land and not what is on it! If you let the property go and bless your neighbour, you are a true giver.

I don’t consider myself a giving person any more. Meeting this heightened goal post of graciously giving to those who we perceive as undeserving of what we don’t need is an uphill task even for the best of us.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 19

My giving nature has not changed but my definition of giving has.

I am a Rotarian. The motto that guides Rotarians is ‘service above self’. Through my club, I give some of my time and other resources towards improving the lives of our communities. Being a Rotarian requires me to follow the ‘four way test’ in everything that I do. The ‘four way test’ states that:

‘Of the things you think, say or do: Is it the truth? Is it fair to all concerned? Does it build goodwill and better friendships? Is it beneficial to all concerned?’ In other words: in everything, love your neighbour as yourself.

I have always thought that the ‘four way test’ is such a noble and beautiful principle to live by. Rotary has no affiliation with any religious or political grouping. It is open to everyone who wishes to live by the ‘four way test’.

I have come to believe that real giving is not when you take something you perceive as belonging to you and voluntarily hand it over to someone else out of the goodness of your heart. No, this is not really giving.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 18

I have been exploring the teachings of meditation and I am at the stage now where I am trying to find the meditation technique that works for me.

I am certain that the Buddhist teaching of analytical and placement meditation (which I found on the web-site: www.how-to-meditate.org) applies to me.

Analytical meditation is when you contemplate the meaning of something that you feel strongly about until you reach a particular conclusion about it or you cause a supreme understanding of that thing to arise in you.

Once the conclusion or supreme understanding has arisen, you focus on that particular conclusion or supreme understanding and concentrate on it. This focused concentration is placement meditation.

I feel very strongly about my life’s purpose and even more strongly about my death. I find myself many times thinking deeply about these things. Eventually some supreme understanding pops into my mind and I grab onto it and think about it even more deeply until it becomes a part of me. This happens best when I am writing. It happened a lot while I was writing about my thoughts about my life in my first blog which is the time during which I experienced the ‘awakening of my kundalini.’

Hence this Sequel.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 17

My Christianity was always imaginary and not hands on because I did not think that what is taught of those great prophets and teachers in the Bible, in particular Jesus, can be achieved by sinful, ordinary men and women.

Siddha Yoga on the other hand teaches that the great Yogis (who include Jesus Christ) can teach ordinary men and women how to achieve the same (if not greater) greatness as they themselves have achieved.

I have experienced something similar to the awakening of my kundalini. It was such a weird experience that I did not believe it happened although I know that it did. I felt the sensation of something rising from the base of my spine to the crown of my head where there was this brilliant white light. This is not the first weird experience I have had but this was by far the weirdest and most real. For the daughter of a mentally ill mother, such experiences can be frightening. It was therefore a huge relief to be introduced to Siddha Yoga and find books and people discussing such an experience as common and real.

Now that I know that the experience I had was probably not the beginning of mental illness, I’d like to know why I had that experience, what it meant and most of all, how I can get to experience it again.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 16

After I stopped going to church, I floated around wondering where to find direction. I found some direction in the teachings of Siddha Yoga, introduced to me by a good friend of mine and also a soul searcher like me.

I was intrigued by the teachings about Gurus and how they enter our lives and purify us and awaken our inner power. A Guru is the grace bestowing power of God which gives us what is referred to as shaktipat. This teaching is similar to the Christian teaching of the Holy Spirit descending on us from above. The divine power that resides within all of us is referred to as kundalini. It is said to be located at the base of the spine coiled up like a snake longing to unfold and bestow its blessings upon us.

What your kundalini is waiting for in order to be awakened is the Grace of God. The awakening of the kundalini is a gift. The gift is received by those who ask for it. Ask and it shall be given unto you. Asking for the gift is not just by words but by your deeds. You must have a real yearning for the gift and God will see this in your heart. Spiritual practices like meditation, chanting, fasting, selfless service and trying as much as possible to be virtuous will most likely qualify you for the gift. However, even those who do not undertake these spiritual practices can receive the gift.

This is entirely God’s domain and not ours.

2009-05-08T12:14:00.000+03:00

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 15

“Unconditional Love completes us by replacing all our desires with the knowledge of who we are.”

This is not called ‘the information age’ for nothing. Knowledge of our true selves, is more valuable than gold. Unfortunately Google has not yet devised a means of giving us this information.

I cannot desire anything more than knowing who I am, what brought me here and getting it done.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 14

Belief in unconditional love is just one of the humongous, mind boggling changes I have to make to complete my task.

The bigger change is believing that unconditional love is all I need. As in if I have unconditional love, everything else that I could ever need or want automatically follows.

But so what if I am valued more than life itself by another who expects nothing at all from me? I would sneer at anyone who said they loved me because I knew, from my experience of the real world, that love, even if it did exist, meant nothing. It could not feed, clothe or house me! How can one survive on love? So you love me huh? Then what? Get real!

My parents (as human beings) had no idea of the experience of unconditional love, let alone how to give or show it. What they taught me is to stop believing in love and instead believe in hard work and solitude which are the corner stones of my life. Giving credit where it’s due, I must admit that the belief in hard work and solitude hammered into my head has served me well.

How many of us really believe in unconditional love; I wonder? I don’t know what messages of love I have communicated to those around me based on my warped understanding of love. I’d like to change my entire belief system so that I only believe in unconditional love and nothing else because to me, unconditional love is the only real thing in life everything else is an illusion.

Meeting my husband gave me hope that unconditional love might exist after all. My relationship with him is like those relationships where you believe that you have known a person for all your life but can’t quite understand how you could when you only just met them.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 13

My loved ones are those people in my life who I cannot do without because I feel a strong attraction to them and don’t expect anything from them other than for them to stay close to me. I, on the other hand, have to work hard to keep my loved ones in my life since they are only in my life because they love my independence!

At one time in my life, I was nicknamed ‘mother hen’! This was because I would always take charge of every situation and ensure that whatever the situation was, it was taken care of perfectly.

Do you see what a confused element of unconditional love I have become? I think that others love my independence and not me, but I make my loved ones dependent on me and still love them! Others cannot love me; they love my independence whereas I just love them. Why the difference between what I expect of myself and others when it comes to love?

This warped reasoning comes from my fear (another vice) of allowing myself to be loved unconditionally. A fear that arose from the gradual erosion, to almost oblivion, of my belief in unconditional love.

Unconditional love in this world is a STUPID thing to believe in. NOTHING in life is for free, honey! You better believe that!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 12

I still have not found that belief in unconditional love and ability to trust which I lost. I don’t even know whether I lost them simultaneously or I lost one before the other. It doesn’t matter anyway since they are lost. The job now is to find them wherever they may be.

Finding my lost belief in unconditional love and ability to trust requires that I lay myself bare, empty myself of the vices I have accumulated and allow myself to be filled with unconditional love. Simply what it means is unlearning how to live with pain and hurt (by covering up the pain and hurt using vices) and letting the experience of pain and hurt be replaced by the experience of unconditional love.

Most people have at one time in their lives met someone and decided to let themselves be loved by that person, who then betrays their love and trust. Letting go of the vices created to deal with the memories of this kind of pain is probably the hardest part. What makes it easier is that experiencing unconditional love is about experiencing yourself.

The only incentive there is for this undertaking is the promise of eternal bliss in an ocean of unconditional love.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 11

No doubt the beatings broke my spirit and took away something so valuable: my belief in unconditional love.

They also took away my ability to trust so I created another vice called independence. When you’re indifferent, you don’t care about anything or anyone. You just don’t care. You fully appreciate that you are on your own and so you start to move away from anything that appears to draw you into togetherness. In fact, you get repulsed by the idea that you are part of anything. You create a space within you which I call a ‘pain incinerator’, in which you throw anything hurtful and neutralize it without considering it.

The pain incinerator took away the pain of being unloved and also the pain of yearning for love. Perfect vice for my circumstances.

I became suspicious of anyone who claimed to love me. I was convinced that it was my independence that they loved; not me. My independence was itself quite loveable. It made me a very strong-willed person who ironically, could love and give whole-heartedly without expectation.

The beauty about my independence is that it also helped me to see myself as my own person. It helped me believe that I could create my own world and I did; but of course with the help of my vices.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 10

Indifference protects you from the demons you would encounter should you insist on believing in unconditional love in the face of all the horrid realities of life.

Indifference moulds you into a tough little girl or boy who can discuss the horrid realities as if they were a trip to the zoo.

Indifference makes you believe that you can survive the horrid realities since anyway, you will grow up one day and be the master/mistress of your own life. It’s only temporary.

Indifference convinces you that one day a knight in shining armour will rescue you from the hellish life you are living. So you swallow the pain and wait for the prince on whose shoulder you can cry it all out one fine day.

Someone once told me that I had built an invisible barrier around me because he felt unable to communicate with me. I just looked at him and thought, who cares?!

The indifference to the pain becomes so etched in your mind that you begin to interpret the beatings as acts of love. Some of us grew up to thank our parents for beating the hell out of us coz we actually believed that it was the beatings that helped us stay focused on what matters in life and hence turn our lives into success stories. How sad!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 9

If I remember correctly, the first vice I created was indifference. It was a perfect means by which to shut out pain of all kinds: emotional, physical, psychological. I mean, who cares! Even now, I am amazed at what a perfect tool indifference is when you just - don’t - want – to – feel – anything!

WHO CARES???!!!! Those words are soooooooooo powerful! They eradicate any sense of responsibility or self-worth that you could possibly have and leave you feeling relieved and ready for anything that may come your way.

Sometimes, I wouldn’t even cry while being beaten or I would pretend to cry for the satisfaction of the beater. I didn’t care about why I was being beaten or that it was painful. I just took it. You know, some times, when it seemed like I was just going to get a scolding, I would deliberately provoke a beating by sneering. Go ahead, beat me. WHO CARES???!!!! It felt so powerful!

And when an act of love was expressed, I would not appreciate it. I just took it. I mean ………… WHO GIVES A *****!

I remember a saying I learned in school. ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’. It was meant to be comforting.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 8

After each beating, I recall that I would sleep very deeply and wake up feeling refreshed. I am certain that it was during the periods of deep sleep that I began to conjure up vices to protect myself from the excruciating pain of being unloved.

The pain was made even more unbearable by the fact that the beatings were being administered by those who were providing me with my basic needs and who, at times, exhibited signs of love! Vices helped me accept what is abnormal as normal.

We create our own vices to suit our circumstances. Vices help us stay alive and maintain sanity in this seemingly God forsaken nonsense of a world.

The problem with vices is that they delude us. They cover up the reality of who we are and separate us from the truth.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 7

By the way, a beating here means, being whooped with a belt or stick for what appears like hours on end until the person beating you is too exhausted to continue. Your pleas for a cease fire even end before the beating and all you do is cringe or scream as each thrashing comes down on you.

I remember that I tried to fight back some times. The truth is that I never did accept the beatings as normal. I just felt like there was nothing I could do to stop them so I learned to live with them. I still feel the same about a lot of things.

This learning to live with abnormality is what is troubling my soul. Why does life have to be this way? Do I not have any power or strength to change all the things that take away my peace? Do I not deserve a peaceful life? Doesn’t everyone in the world deserve a peaceful life?

Peace is the ability to accept your life as it is without losing control of your thoughts and feelings. How many of us in this world have found peace? Well, am not willing to settle for any less. Until I die, I will strive to make my life a haven of peace.

The immediate catch is that my life is not just about me. It is about everyone in the world!

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 6

At one time in my life, I think I used to believe in unconditional love. When I think of unconditional love, it feels like something I am familiar with but can’t quite bring it up in my memory. I get the feeling that it is so near yet so far.

Probably as far back as when I was a month-old baby, being loved to me meant that there were no conditions. But soon thereafter, I lost my belief in unconditional love. The loss started with the reality of being hurt by those from whom I expected unconditional love.

During the era of my childhood, being beaten was a popular form of discipline. Most children understood that getting a beating was part and parcel of your existence. For a long time, I did not want to remember what it was like being beaten or watching others being beaten in front of my eyes for petty reasons.

The worst experience for me was listening behind a closed door to one of my brothers getting a beating and screaming all manner of apologies for it to stop. I would sit there wishing I could burst into the room and help defend my brother or join in his pain and at least take some of the beating or beg for it to stop or help fight off the beater. I would probably cry more then than at any time when I was the one getting the beating. Of course I was too afraid to interrupt and only did so in my silent prayer that something would happen to make it stop.

Somehow, I have never allowed myself to explore that phase in my life and understand and appreciate how it affected me or my siblings. And it seems that I was not really shutting out the memories but taking it for granted that life could not have been any different. It was normal to get a beating and you just learned to live with it.

Anyway, what does it matter now?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 5

I don’t know what it feels like to experience unconditional love. To have another who values me more than life itself and who expects nothing at all from me. Do you?

In my understanding, one who values me more than life itself and who expects nothing at all from me has to be, well, me. Or at least, whoever that may be is probably not a human being.

Can a human being manifest unconditional love? This is really all what life is about. It is the question that all of us alive today are here to answer.

I have always understood that no-one wants to be depended on. The words ‘there is nothing here for you’ were an almost daily reminder for me (and my siblings) from my father. It meant that I better be able to acquire my own wealth and not imagine, for even a second, that I can claim any of his wealth as my own. His intention was to teach us independence from others knowing, from his struggles to survive, what a cruel world this is and how little love there is to be found.

My desire to be the perfect daughter in my father’s eyes led me to believe that independence from EVERYONE around me was paramount. I thought, in error, that my father would love me only if I did not depend on him.

My father shunned weakness and always pushed himself beyond normal limits when it came to succeeding in life. He was at the same time, a compassionate person and reached out to help a great many people. I am a lot like my father but some may say that I am more like my mother.

I cannot allow myself to be weak. I am not aggressive and I don’t try to control others but I have to be in control of myself. I can however, tolerate weakness from others because I believe that life really is tough. Jokes aside man! It’s tough. For all of us. But why?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 4

What is it exactly that separates me (the drop of water) from God (the Ocean)?

The answer is simple. I believe that it is my lack of understanding of WHO I AM. For some reason, I am convinced and persuaded that I am separated from God when in fact, I am not. I have faith in this belief. I am yet to understand it as the truth.

If I can only understand the true nature of my being, I will find God and become one with Him. Understanding the true nature of my being comes from experiencing unconditional love. The experience of unconditional love will reveal to me who I am.

I want to know how to be the element of unconditional love that I believe I am.

An element to me is a component. I see myself as a component of God. I am created in God’s image. A component is defined in Wikipedia as “any smaller, self-contained part of a larger entity”.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 3

I don’t go to church any more. I stopped.

My theories about life make me too radical for any church. My curiosity demands that I question everything in search for the true answers.

Faith is not enough for me.

Why should I have faith when I can have knowledge? What is it exactly that stops me from knowing the TRUTH? I do have faith in a lot of things but I do not think that one should stop there.

Faith is a tool for finding knowledge. It gives you the confidence and strength to keep searching because it gives you the conviction that there definitely is a truth out there. There is nothing that stops you from finding the truth about that which you have faith in.

I am not the human body that I live in. I believe that I am an element of unconditional love. I have faith in that belief. I am yet to understand it as the truth. God is Love in the form of unconditional love.

I think that the relationship between God and me is the same as the relationship between a drop of water and the ocean. Outside of the ocean, I am me. In the ocean, I am God. I am searching for the Ocean and when I find It, I want to jump in, become one with It and never again allow myself to be separated from It.

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 2

I know exactly where to start with my task.

I know because recently, a physical wall collapsed at my house and it revealed to me that I do not know how to experience unconditional love. I have to start with learning how to experience unconditional love.

“Unconditional love is the experience of being valued more than life by another who expects nothing at all from you.”

Unconditional love is not emotive. It is a state of mind. As such, the experience of unconditional love comes from understanding. Am not looking for emotional love which is experienced in the body as a feeling, I am looking for unconditional love which is experienced in the mind as understanding.

I will start from the premise that life is a journey of self-discovery and approach everything in my life as intended to teach me WHO I AM.

Oh, how I yearn for the knowledge of WHO I AM. Come to think of it, I would give ANYTHING to know WHO I AM. Wouldn’t you?

Mind Boggling

The Sequel

By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 1

Goal posts in life are always shifting.

When I started my search for my missing something, I was looking for reasons why my life is the way it is and in due course, I came to the realization that my life is the way it is because of the choices I have made. In due course, I also came to the realization that I had not found my missing something. I had merely found something that I thought was missing from my life.

Recently I made the decision that I will do whatever it takes to find out the TRUTH. The truth to me is what is real. I want to know where I came from, why I was born, what purpose I came to fulfill, where I am going after here, when, why and how I will die. I refuse to accept that the answers to these questions cannot be found.

I believe that I have the ability to know and understand who I am.

I know that this is no easy task. However, my desire to undertake and complete this task is the strongest force in my life right now. I cannot hide from it.

I am not afraid. I believe that I am stronger than anything that may try to stop me from completing this task. I also believe that I am the only one who can prevent me from completing my task.

My task involves discovering the REAL ME. The real me is inside me. All I need to do is scrape off all the layers of vices that I have accumulated in my life time and replace them with love so that the love can shine through and reveal my real self to me and others.